Oh my...I screwed up Santa

So I didn't believe in Santa Claus as a kid (insert shock and awe sounds here). I know I know "That's TERRIBLE! Are you kidding? No way!" I've heard it all. I never missed it honestly. My mom taught me that Santa was a decoration. I went along with the hype because it was fun. I don't think I ever spoiled the surprise because I didn't think of it as a big deal or a surprise to spoil since I thought everybody knew that he was a decoration.

So why didn't we learn about Santa? It's a long story, but in a nutshell, my mom's aunt broke "the news" by saying that Santa was in a sleigh ride wreck and died and wouldn't be coming this year. She was so devastated that she didn't teach own her kids about Santa. (MY theory is that she just wanted credit for all of the presents, but I'll never know the truth.)

So, my big guy just turned 3 and he finally understands the concept of Santa and presents. Simultaneously, he understands the concept of poo-pooing in the potty, but just refuses to do it. I had the GREATEST idea! I'll go to www.portablenorthpole.com and have Santa send him a message and tell him to go potty in the potty! Genius, right?

Everything went off as a smashing hit when Santa pet the reindeer and talked about my 3 year old by name and looked at pictures of him, his birthday party, etc.

Then Santa winked.

All hell has pretty much broken loose at my house, and my 3 year old is not only terrified of Santa, but can't stop talking about Santa "winking him's eye". On top of that, he's MORTIFIED that Santa will be coming into his house to bring his presents. He checks the front door daily to be sure that Santa's not standing their ready to frighten him like the trick or treaters did.

So, I've pretty much set the potty training back a few dozen miles and now he's scared of Santa. So many ways to ruin a childhood and I mess up Santa. From my understanding...this is a big deal.

Sigh.

I hope I've made you feel better about your child rearing skills, but more importantly: I think I'll let Christmas be Christmas from now on and put my agenda aside. Well, until he refuses to eat his veggies...

Read more of my adventures at my personal blog: www.McLaughlin2under2.blogspot.com

Things I actually said today Part 2

#1 Please stop putting hairbrushes in the potty.

#2 Yes, mommy's cleavage DOES look like a tunnel. Thank you for pointing that out in public.

#3 No, no, no! No cars in the potty!

#4 (While wearing a "Tinkerbell gone bad" outfit for Halloween) Well, I agree, I AM a Princess and don't EVER forget it!

#5 What do you mean I'm not pretty and I'm not cool? You're 2! What do you know?

#6 NO TOOTHBRUSHES IN THE POTTY!

I've been replaced

My (almost) 3 year old has been attached at the hip to “Lightnin Keen” (aka Lightning McQueen from the movie Cars) for a few months now. He eats, sleeps, breathes, walks, rides in the car with, and carries Lightnin Keen EVERYWHERE. While in the car, he jabbers incessantly about Lightnin Keen and that he is red and “hoho” (rojo, Spanish for red), and that he is blue in some parts of the movie, and that he has eyes, and that he can talk, but in a VERY important voice, he reminds me that cars can’t really talk. On and on and on this goes. The other day, during one of these jabbering sessions, he finished with:

“Mommy, Mommy!”
“Yes, Baby”
“Lightnin Keen is my Girlfriend”

(Crickets chirping)

How do you respond to that? He used to call ME his girlfriend (and that’s a little weird), but Lightnin Keen? Oh boy, I don’t know what’s stranger. But it’s still cute and I can’t WAIT to remind him that he said this when he is about 15 years old!

So Halloween night, when you see me walking around holding a blonde headed boy's hand that is wearing a (drum roll) Lightnin Keen costume, just know, I’ve been replaced by my little boy’s new girlfriend. None other than Lightnin Keen.

The hard questions

A close friend of mine has a 7 year old son. She has taught me many things about raising boys (she's the one that taught me to say "Rub some dirt on it; you're ok!" when they fall down and look at your expression to see if they are hurt.) I'm hoping she figures out how to do this thing called child rearing and so I can sail through with everything figured out behind her...especially those hard questions...

So my friend told me about her car ride home with her 7 year old son the other day and I immediately said, "I'm SOOOO blogging that one!"

So here goes, A car ride with a 7 year old:

7 year old: Mommy, do you have a boyfriend?

Mommy: Um. Well. I have Daddy. And I guess you could call him my boyfriend.

7 year old: Unsatisfied mumblings...

Mommy: I'm not sure what you're asking, Baby.

7 year old: Well...Just like I could have a girlfriend, you could have a boyfriend.

Mommy: Well, Daddy was my boyfriend and I married him and now he's my husband. Does that answer your question?

7 year old: Well, it's just that Daddy just seems so OLD to be a boyfriend.

A car ride with a 2 and 1/2 year old

I like to write down conversations that I have with my 2 year old from time to time so that I can remember those funny little things that they say or do. He's really been jabbering up a storm in the car these days and I can't understand some of his words, so it's been hard to write it down. But here goes, in this episode I realize that I'm not appreciated in my own time. A car ride with a 2 and 1/2 year old:

Me: Baby, did you have a good day today?

J: My ca Momma ca My ca get baff! OOh, dirty ca! We go ca wasth, Mommy?

Me: Yes, we're going to go through the car wash. Who did you play with today at school?

J: My pay Maffew, Jeffrey push me. Momma Jeffrey push zthackson.

Me: Well what did you do to him is the question. Were you playing nicely?

J: Jeffrey push me.

Me: Did you hug afterwards and play nicely after that? You and Jeffrey are friends.

J: No biting fwiends!

Me: That's right! What are teeth for?
J: EATING! No bite fwiends, Momma. Dat man walking. Dat man big teef. Dog, ruff! ruff! Tat, Meeeow! Geema has tat. Papa has tat. Meeeeow. No biting tat!

Me: Yes, Geema and Papa have 2 cats. Do you know their names?

J: Be sthweet tat!

Me: Yes, we have to be sweet to the cats. Do you know anyone with a dog?

J: Sthofie! Sthofie not big dog. Be sthweet Sthofie! Be sthweet to dog! Stofie is big dog.

Me: Sophie isn't a big dog! You're silly! Who is bigger Sophie or Buddy the Cat?

J: Sthofie not big. Not big dog, Momma.

Me: Sophie is a little dog, right? Is Buddy the cat bigger that Sophie the dog?

J: Baby Gam took my ca

Me: No, he didn't you gave it to him, I saw you! You have another car, just play with that one.

J: My go ca wasth? My ca get baff? My big boy. My Sthofie. My ca get baff? My watch movie? My watch Lightnin Keen? My asthk Daddy my watch movie. My little bue ca, Mommy. Find it?

At this point, "Baby Gam" starts to cry and I make up a song about "My two boys, two boys, sweet two boys" to distract him. It stopped the crying and I was just beginning to feel proud of myself for stopping the ruckus that was about to ensue by making up such a cheerful little song...Just as I'm getting to the good part of my impromptu serenade...

J: Mommy sthop sthinging.

A puzzle for today:

A puzzle for today:

You are in the process of getting kids in the bathtub and you have a naked 12 month old and a naked 2 year old. The naked 2 year old announces that he has poo-poo on his foot.

Which one pooed and where is the rest of it??? Better yet, why do so many of my stories involve poo?

Things Daddy has learned Part 1

I realize that my blog is about being a mom of "2under2" (now '2 in under 2 years' since J had his big Happy Day Day), but Daddy gets left out from time to time. I have had a string of posts about "Things I have learned" for quite a while and I think it's time for Daddy to have a turn. So here we go, Things Daddy has Learned, Part 1:

When your 2 year old Potty Trainer nonchalantly says "no" when you ask him if he needs to go potty, he's lying. In approximately 3.5 minutes, you will see the evidence of this lie dripping down his leg while you tie his shoes. Late for work again...

A 6 month old will crawl off of a bed if you fall asleep. Even if you are holding his ankle. So will a 9 month old and a 10 month old. Ever heard the old saying about doing the same thing but expecting a different result?

There will be more to come, I'm sure. Daddy has to laugh at himself just like Mommy!

Things the Grandparents have learned...Part 1

I have done a series of posts called "Things I have Learned". They encompass things that I have learned as a mother as well as things that my two precious boys (2 and 1/2 years and a 12 month old) have learned. In turn, when they learn things...I learn also. Well, I mainly learn that a 2 year old will try 'X'. For example "Things I have learned: Mufflers are HOT!" That kind of thing.

I've been building a new blog post in my mind for some time now called Things the Grandparents have learned...so here goes....Part 1 (because I'm sure there will be more):
(click the picture to enlarge and get the full effect)

A 2 year old left alone for 3 seconds will

first, find scissors

next, cut his baby brother's hair

Lastly, comfort his screaming baby brother by giving him toys and saying "I sorry I sorry!"

If you put a plate of tacos down in front of a 10 month old at a restaurant, you will be buying another plate of food 'cause the floor ate yours approximately a millisecond after you put it down. Those jokers are fast!

Even after 29 years, it is STILL not ok to let an 18 month old run around the house naked. There will be poo. Yes, I know it's been 29 years, but toddlers STILL haven't learned.

When a 2 year old poos, DON'T leave him alone on the potty! When you return, he WILL be sitting in your chair...not even a pressure washer can fix that! AND, while you're cleaning THAT up, rest assured the baby is eating the dog's food with a spoon.

More to come, I'm sure. Stay tuned!

Generalizations

Let's face it. Kids generalize about things. For my 2 year old, everything with a mustache is Papa. I say "everything" because this includes otters. I discovered a new generalization that my sweet little one has about beards today.

It all started when my husband called to let me know that the power was out at our house and would be back up around 6 pm. So, I picked up the kids from their schools and headed straight for "Chickifay" to eat dinner and play on the playground. I turned early into a Mexican restaurant's parking lot to cheat the Chickifay red light when my 2 year old exclaimed, "My eat dere" and pointed at the Mexican restaurant. He was very excited as we walked up to the entrance because there are 8 or 9 Mariachi band members made of metal in the front walkway. (This explains why he wanted to eat "dere".)



He wandered through the artwork checking them out and repeating, "This Jesus" "This Nudder Jesus". When he came to the guitar playing band member, he said "This Jesus Pay Geeta!" This is when I couldn't help but take his picture.

I realized during this episode that to my 2 year old, everything with a mustache is Papa, but everything with a beard is Jesus.

My two year old is smarter than me

My 2 year old was in big trouble for biting a friend at school and I decided to see if he understood the concept of getting fun things taken away for the afternoon as punishment.

We were eating dinner and discussing the punishments when "Unckie John" (who was visiting for a few days) came up the stairs and asked if J could go swimming with him. I made a big deal out of saying "No, Unckie John, J can't go swimming tonight because he bit his friend today at school."

While Unckie John was outside, J asked more questions:

J: Unckie John go sthwimming?
Me: Yes, Unckie John didn't bite his friend today, so he gets to go swimming.
J: My go sthwimming?
Me: No, baby, you can't because you bit your friend.
J: My go outside?
Me: No, not tonight you can't.
J: My take off shirt?
Me: No, Baby
J: My watch movie?
Me: No, Baby, listen. You bit your friend, so no swimming, no going outside, no taking off your shirt and no movies.
J: And no milk! and no NightNight! No Sthur!

Between stifled giggles I managed to say "Nice Try"

WAKE! UP! BABY! GAM! Things I have learned Part 7

When you are 1 hour into a 4 hour car ride and your 2 year old yells "WAKE! UP! BABY! GAM!" It's going to be a looooong trip.

Just because you are at work, dressed professionally in your business suit, up to your ears in analyzing a tax return, doesn't mean you won't catch yourself singing the theme song to Clifford the Big Red Dog in your head.

Definitely pay attention when you hear your 2 year old say "Set. It. Goooo!" There's no telling what he's about to do/jump off of/throw at your car. See picture.

Even when a 2 year old has a stomach bug, it doesn't mean he won't ask for pizza for dinner.

I'm my 2 year old's girlfriend. I know because he told me.

When you leave your breakfast unattended you will find a 2 year old sitting in your chair helping himself when you return. Mainly because his 11 month old brother is chowing down on a bagel that he stole from his brother's plate. Bunch of breakfast thieves I gave birth to...

Try to never arrive home when the mail man is there. 2 year olds DO NOT understand why they don't have ice cream in their trucks.

Is that a turd hanging on my wall? Things I have Learned Part 6...all to do with poop

When you take off a baby's diaper and it appears that they pooped, but there is no poop in the diaper...DO NOT ignore it. The poop didn't disappear. You will find the golf ball sized turd dangling from your bathroom wall 3 hours later and you will think...How the hell did that get there?

When you reward your 2 year old for "poo pooing" by giving him dum dums...his poo turns the color of the previous dum dum.

It IS possible to change a dirty diaper on a sleeping 10 month old (only to be attempted on nighttime diapers 'cause it's just not worth it otherwise)...
Step 1: Hold flashlight in your mouth
Step 2: take off pants

Step 3: decide whether you are good enough at diapers to do this while he's on his tummy

Steps 4-8: Unseal, wipe wipe, slip clean one under, powder, and seal again.

Step 9: Hold still cause he just woke up

Step 10: Start to drool on your flashlight cause your trying not to breathe while holding still

Step 11: work fast cause he went back to sleep - put on pants
Steps 12 and 13: Escape and wipe off flashlight before it sparks in your mouth

Last step: Give yourself a gold star - you earned it!

I Asked

Sometimes when I ask my 2 year old a question, I get well, an answer. Sometimes I think....Well, I asked.

Here are some examples:

Me: "Which car do you want to ride to school in?"

2 Year Old: "Mmmm, my ride Ice Cream Truck."

Me: I asked.

(When I walked outside to find my hubby checking the pool chemicals and my 2 year old swimming naked)

Me: "What are you doing!?"

2 year old: "Sthwimming"

Me: I asked.

(While kissing his sunglasses)
Me: "What are you doing?"

2 year old: "My Kiss Asses"

Me: I asked.

Things I have learned Part 5

EEEshoe bunnies live at the mall. Indefinitely.

2 year olds can spot "Ridecycles" from further away then I can see.

Dinaforces are those animals that are now extinct.

Mommy's don't always get the 1st lock of hair from their baby's 1st haircut...at least not if the 1st haircut is given by the 2 year old brother. (not too bad):

If you let your 2 year old sleep with a stuffed animal, a toy airplane, and a toy shovel at night, you will be giving 4 night night kisses - one to the 2 year old, one to the stuffed animal, one to the airplane and one to the shovel. And when the 2 year old decides everyone also needs eskimo kisses...it gets interesting. Does anyone know which end of a shovel its nose is on? 'Cause that would REALLY help me out...

Oh MY! Have we done something RIGHT?

Dare I say it? We do everything wrong in this whole parenting thing, but tonight I feel proud! We may just have done something right along the way!

My 2 year old, who is normally a human tornado, was POLITE on several occasions at dinner without being prodded / forced.

We went to Yuki, a hibachi style grill, so the kids would be entertained during dinner, and Jackson surprised us on several occasions!

First, he greeted the chef, "Hey, Man" when he arrived to begin the show...much to the chef's amusement, I might add. And when the chef placed a pile of rice on his plate, J looked up and said, "Thank you!" before digging in. I was grinning like a mule eating briers! I didn't even have to threaten him!

Once more he said, "Thank you" to the chef when he placed the veggies on his plate.

The next thing that happened involved a fork, but don't let that confuse you. J insisted on eating his entire meal with chopsticks, so I'm not even sure why a fork was on his plate. He ate every bite with chopsticks and proclaimed, "I GOT IT" with every piece as he shoved it in his mouth.

The waitress walked up behind J right as G reached over and grabbed J's fork. J grabbed the fork (because he knows G isn't allowed to have them) and in the process, tossed some rice backwards, spilling it in his chair. He turned around, looked at the waitress with those big blue eyes and said with all sincerity, "Oh, I sorry." She was quite tickled at this polite toddler and said, "It's ok" to which he repeated, "I sorry."

When the show was finished, the chef slightly bowed and told us to enjoy our meals, and J said, "Thank you, Man! Bye Bye Man!

All in all, Justin and I really came out looking like the world's best parents. No one would have ever known that a few hours before he had had a complete come apart at the art show downtown in front of 300 of our closest friends. Nope. Not right now, we looked like rock stars! Either we have done SOMETHING right, or he was just prepping us for a humdinger of a day tomorrow when the human tornado arrives back in full force! :)

Baby "Gam" knew his Mommy immediately

I don't think that I've ever blogged this story, but I was writing my "Letter from Mommy" in G's baby book (Oh, yea!...good mom points for me for writing in the baby book.Somebody give me a gold star quick!) and I was reminded of one of the sweetest moments of Baby G's life...it happened within a minute of his birth.

J was breech, so of course, both my boys were delivered via pre-planned c-section. We had a camera ready for pics when J made his entrance into this world and with G, we had the great idea to catch the sound of his first cry on video. So, Justin was video taping me while all the whatever was going on behind the sheet. The doctor knew that we were videoing and I guess thought we wanted "the moment" on video and yelled "Dad! Stand up!" Justin stood up, video camera in hand, and caught the big entrance on camera! Of course there was a lot of commotion, but then it happened - the big CRY! And it was on camera along with a lot of unplanned camera shots! :) As all babies do, I assume, he screamed and screamed as Justin and I cried and cried listening to the happy sound of our baby boy's first breaths in this world.

Then the most amazing thing happened. The nurse brought him over to me and he was WORKING those lungs. I leaned my head over and whispered in his ear..."It's ok baby..." and immediately...I mean immediately...he hushed. Perfectly silent. Perfectly peaceful. He listened while I gently kissed his temple and continued to whisper..."It's ok. Mommy's here. It's ok." Within 6 or 7 seconds that seemed like minutes, the nurse told me she had to take him away and the screaming bloody murder continued as if it had never stopped.

But it had.

For those few incredible overwhelming mind blowing "cup overfloweth" moments, it had. He was at perfect peace with this bright, loud, new world that he had been forced in to. I love to watch the video from time to time to remind myself of this moment when a new born baby boy recognized his Mommy's voice for the very first time. And for that moment, he knew everything was ok because Mommy was there. I hope I never forget the way that it feels to know that he is comforted by me...even in the first moments of his life.

"What are you doing?" ... "Running."

I wonder when running went from being fun to being work...

Things I have learned Part 4

If your two year old is pretending to be a lion, watch out, there is a good chance he may bite you on the butt.

While at an Easter Egg Hunt (if you are TERRIFIED of the Easter Bunny), just sacrifice your friend and get him to watch out for the Easter Bunny while you play.

Don't call the dentist "Dr. ___." You WILL be corrected by your two year old. We really need to figure out how to clarify that Dentists are also called "Doctor".

Roosters must be from the midwest. Because they say "Howdy do di do"

Grapes are called "Besfast" even if you're eating them for dinner.

If you teach your two year old to say "scuse me" when he toots, he'll say it when EVERYONE toots.

Parmasean cheese makes EVERYTHING edible, especially green beans.

If you ask your two year old to hand his baby brother a toy to play with, he will always give him the closest:

Pencil

Sticker

Paper clip

Or anything else easily swallowed by a 7 month old

Any long skinny objects like sticks are actually swords and are used to save "Pincessthes".

Mufflers are HOT.

A 7 month old playing in the yard will eat grass. They also won't learn their lesson the first time and will eat grass 3 more times. Then the Mommy will figure out that the 7 month old isn't the one that supposed to learn the lesson; the Mommy is and she will get a blanket for the baby to sit on so he can't reach the grass.

7 month olds don't know what all the excitement is about, but they will clap and smile when their big brother goes poo poo in the potty!

Getting bit on the butt hurts, even if it's a bite from a two year old lion imitator.

Communication between brothers

Justin is out of town this week and I had an interesting night that I don't want to forget.

Jackson was sitting in a high bar stool at the table eating and Graham was in the high chair. I was cooking dinner and not really paying much attention when all of the giggling caught my attention. I turned and watched the events in wonder.

Jackson is really a man of few words and tonight he wasn't saying anything. Of course, Graham is only just shy of 7 months old, but he was apparently understanding Jackson perfectly.

Jackson was...well...talking with his eyes maybe. He was just basically making eyes at Graham...not making faces, just his eyes. Graham was CRACKING up uncontrollably and then Jackson would join in the cackling. I couldn't help but watch in wonder as this went on for almost 20 minutes. I suppose they have already started what is the beginning of a brotherly relationship and way to communicate that I'll never understand.

It was touching and sweet...and next time, I'm sneaking a camera in there!

Things that ACTUALLY came out of my mouth today

Things that ACTUALLY came out of my mouth today:

Number 5: "Take the crayon out of your nose please."

Number 4: "Calm down. Mommy didn't GO poopie. If I did, I would have let you see it, I promise."

Number 3: "Socks are for wearing, not for eating!"

Number 2: "That's Mommy's make up brush, here's yours, son."

And the number 1 thing that ACTUALLY came out of my mouth today:
"It's called a nipple."